Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
