tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
