Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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