I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
