So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
