having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
