apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
