i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
