Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
