Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
