Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
