You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
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The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
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its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If I die, sorry about rent.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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