Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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