What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
