Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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