you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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