I think I died a long time ago.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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