the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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