for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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