if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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