I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dick very happy bro
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
