Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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