If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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