In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
