every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
