I think my fart just growled at me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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