A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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