my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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