Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
