yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
