Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
