I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don't deserve a penis
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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