Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
