That's when you crack a 10am beer
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
