I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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