Duck Duck Cougar?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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