Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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