the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
