I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
