You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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