I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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