Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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