That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
