So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
