so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
