Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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