Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
