Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
