im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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