Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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