I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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