I haven't been this sober since birth.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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