First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
